2019 Astle Speaker Julie Lythcott-Haims: Compassion and Resilience

Best-selling author and educator Julie Lythcott-Haims shared two very different, personal and thought-provoking presentations for our 2019 David Astle Memorial Lecture on April 9th. Reading excerpts from her memoir, she challenged Upper School students to find compassion and empathy for the experiences of marginalized people in our country. Later that evening, she shared personal stories from her life as a parent, struggling to find balance between supporting children’s growth and preparing them for independence. Through both talks, the author revealed the full spectrum of her experiences — from anger and frustration to joy and belonging — leaving both crowds inspired to create a better world for ourselves and each other.

For our Students: Real American

Ever the advocate for young people, Ms. Lythcott-Haims invited Meghan Chu '19 and Chela Cunningham '21 to share some of their original writing with the Upper School audience. “As long as I have the privilege of a book tour, an audience and a microphone, before I take the podium to read from my book, I want to step aside and make room for young writers who are coming up on the path behind me.”





Ms. Lythcott-Haims then read excerpts from Real American, her memoir about “being Black and biracial growing up in white spaces.” The excerpts she shared conveyed passion and power as she led our students through her journey toward self-discovery and self-acceptance through decades of overt and furtive racism. After the reading, the author took questions from the audience.
“If you can find some kind of concern or compassion for what I went through, someone who could have been your classmate in a different generation, then maybe you can feel a lot more compassion for people who have a far less privileged experience in America. Compassion is what’s sorely needed and sorely lacking.” — Julie Lythcott-Haims (excerpted from the morning presentation)
Following the event Upper School teachers encouraged students to process what they heard and their reactions to it. Mr. Jonathan Freeman-Coppadge, English teacher and Faces of Severn co-advisor, organized a voluntary group discussion, "Ms. Lythcott-Haims' presentation was provocative in the best sense of the word. Her recounting of her experience offers us a chance to reflect on ourselves as people in America and people at Severn School. We encourage everyone to think constructively about how her talk might challenge us as we strive to become a strong, diverse, and inclusive community. As we discuss our thoughts and feelings about this event, let's speak honestly from our own experience and listen in good faith to the experiences of others."

For our Parents: How to Raise an Adult

For the evening lecture, Ms. Lythcott-Haims focused her presentation on ideas from her best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. With a tone that was jovial, humble and confident at once, the author talked about how overparenting inhibits our children’s growth. It felt less like a lecture and more like a gathering at her kitchen table — sharing the many questions, insecurities, mistakes and triumphs that come with parenting today.

Through every anecdote, the author reminded us that what we want for our kids and what our kids want for themselves can often be quite different things; that we need to honor our children’s thoughts, feelings and personal goals as worthy in their own right. We must empower young people to take responsibility for their daily lives — whether that’s learning to register for classes, ride public transportation on their own, make choices about their workload at school or simply manage household chores.
Speaker on stage at Severn School
Julie Lythcott-Haims
“When we argue with teachers and coaches we might get a better grade for our kid. We might get a second chance or more playing time or a spot on the team, [but these are] short-term wins. There are no bad consequences for our kids because we’ve smoothed the path. Here’s the trouble, [there is] long-term cost. The constant rescuing tells their developing brain ‘Hey kid, you’re not capable. You’re not capable of being successful doing your own homework so I’m going to do some of it for you.’ All of the helping tells them they aren’t capable and that actually makes them incapable.” — Julie Lythcott-Haims (excerpted from the evening presentation)


About the David Astle Memorial Lecture Series

David Sheridan Astle '92 is the late son of the Honorable and Mrs. John C. Astle, Maryland State Senator (District 30). The 23-year-old died tragically in December 1997, when a deer stepped into the path of a car he was riding in. A 1992 Severn School alumnus, David was an active member of the school community during his seven years as a student, and a well-liked member of the alumni body. He told his mother shortly before his death that he felt he had developed life-long friends while at Severn School. He realized Severn taught him more than the basics of education; Severn School helped develop his character by encouraging his own innate sense of integrity, responsibility, honor, and commitment. The David Astle Memorial Endowment, begun by Senator and Mrs. Astle in 1998, funds an annual lecture series through which knowledgeable and/or inspirational speakers are invited to share their expertise, experiences, and messages with the community.
Severn School Head of School and guests.
Head of School Doug Lagarde and the Honorable and Mrs. John C. Astle with Julie Lythcott-Haims
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